I have always admired Abraham. There are so many stories where we see his blind faith in action. My personal favorite is found in Genesis 12, “The Lord said to Abram: Go from your land, your relatives, and your fathers house, to the land I will show you. I will make you into a great nation, I will bless you, I will make your name great and you will be a blessing.” Genesis 12:1-2. But it is verse 4 that has always stopped me. “So Abram went, as the Lord told him…” No direction. No hint of where to go.
My thoughts about this story remind me of a meme that eloquently states “I am not a ride or die chick. I have questions such as where are we riding to? Why do I have to die? Can we stop and get food on the way?” I would even add several other questions. I like to know where I am going.
If you’ve known me for any amount of time, you will find that I like a plan. If I feel a little stressed, I make a plan! BAM all better, every ounce of stress or anxiety is gone. I have found that this is my ultimate coping mechanism. A plan in itself isn’t wrong. I’ve always heard “failing to plan is planning to fail.” and basically lived my life around this principle. I don’t want to fail. The problem with this attitude is it leaves no room for God to work. I’m doing the work, not God.
So at the beginning of last year God laid it on my heart to have open hands. I said okay and moved forward, not even realizing what he would do when I actually opened my hands up to Him and I let him take my plans and have His way with them.
He switched up everything that I had planned last year. He changed our school plan for our son twice. He then added leadership in CBS, which although I hadn’t shared with most people that I ultimately desired to be in leadership, He knew and opened that door for me. Stepping into leadership caused me to step back in my masters program, which I had planned on going full time to try to hurry up and finish.
Everything was going along great and I was getting used to my new roles and our new life schedule when October came. I woke up one morning, I was late, if you know what I mean. Not expecting anything out of it, I thought I’’ll just take a test to be sure. We all know the end to that story, two pink lines.
The backstory is I had always wanted three kids. My husband was determined we were just having two and since we lost our first, I was starting to come to terms with thinking our third baby was in Heaven. However, if I’m honest the longing was still there. I was starting to think it would never happen so I was preparing to tell my husband to go ahead and get the vasectomy I knew he wanted.
But Our God knew. He knew how much my heart wanted another baby. He knew how to complete our family. And had I not surrendered my all to Him this year, the ending may have looked drastically different.
I understand how Hagar felt in Genesis 16:13 “So she named the Lord who spoke to her: You are El-roi,” for she said, “In this place have I actually seen the one who sees me?”
Never before have I felt so seen by God.
He saw the deepest desires of my heart that I didn’t ask for and provided them in the perfect timing. I have learned so much in my year of surrender.
For years I have sang the words “All to Jesus I surrender, All to Him I freely give; I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live..” This year has made me realize that I had surrendered some parts of my life but held on to the illusion of having control through planning- and I justified it by praying about the plans that I had made. 2 Corinthians 3:17 states “Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” Letting go of this control has been one of the most freeing experiences of my life. I can truly say that there are so many plans in this coming year that are up in the air and for the most part, I feel no anxiety or stress about them at all. I haven’t tried to come up with the plan and pray about it. I’m waiting for God to open the right doors and sit on my knees with my hands open to whatever He places in them.
He has also been walking me through constructing another huge area in my heart.
It is no secret that I’ve always wanted to stay home with my kids. Year after year of going back to work day in and day out while simultaneously being the one that is the default in doing the housework has led to much resentment in my heart. I felt like if I wasn’t home full time, it wasn’t only my responsibility so things got left undone. God laid it on my heart at the end of 2023 that my word for the year of 2024 would be rest and I wasn’t sure exactly what He meant by that. I mean, I’m having a baby! There’s going to be no rest over here.
After a lot of prayer and studying God’s word, I’ve found that He didn’t mean physical rest, He meant to rest in where He has me. And it has wrecked my heart. After looking back at how seen I have felt by God, I know He has seen this desire inside of me but for whatever reason it has either been a no or a not yet. So instead of continually asking why or praying for a change in my situation, I’m deciding to change my prayer. While ultimately I hope that my circumstance will change, I’m asking God to change my heart.
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” Philippians 4:12
I want to live in a way that shows my trust in God no matter what my circumstances look like. I know that if God wanted to, He could change everything but He hasn’t. So while I can’t say that I won’t cry and grieve when I go back to work after having our third baby, I will do it knowing the Creator of the world, the creator of me and my babies will catch every single tear that is dropped. And just as it says in Matthew 11:28-30, He can lighten my burden and carry my hurt and pain and turn it into peace.
Finally, I will care for our home with joy. Colossians 3:23 states “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not men.” My work in our home has been filled with resentment and it has honestly made me a big slacker around our home. The irony is caring for our home and our family is one of the greatest joys of my heart and I have been letting circumstances affect how well I do all of it. It isn’t about the lack of dust but instead joy in my heart as I work in our home that matters.